One Year on…

Unsure about posting this as it is a very sensitive subject.

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Around this time a year ago, I got the most shocking phone call ever. My beautiful, sweet and darling Nan had passed away. It was absolutely heartbreaking, and the thought still crushes me. At that exact moment, it felt like the world stood still. I’d lost my Grandad back in 2011, but he was very unwell making it less of a shock. It’s not the first loss I’ve ever felt and it sure will not be my last.

As a way of dealing with my grief, I started a personal project to take a photograph that would depict my feeling’s of loss. I titled this photograph ‘Living with death’ because every day I live with the decay of losing her.

A year, 365 days have passed. My life has changed so much in that year,  many things’s I have not been able to share with her like I never had the joy of showing her around my first house or her seeing Amelia turn 3.

At first, this loss felt like a kick to the floor, and for a while, it was almost impossible to get back up and carry on with my life. It was hard to see my family hurt and not know how to support them. I visited her grave every week for about 3 months trying to find a way to accept her loss. It didn’t feel as if she was gone it felt like I was just waiting for her to come back from one of her holidays. Then I realized that I’d been honouring her death and not her life.

We all have things we wished we had done more of,if it’s spend more time with someone or not have caused that argument. We are human’s we make mistakes, we care too much, we can be selfish and sometimes we forget what’s important…

We are all her living memory, she lived a life full of happiness, joy, and family. Now it is my turn to live and grow as a person, I can use my experiences to learn and try to make something of myself.

I wish I could say the pain went away. But the truth is that it doesn’t, you just learn to live with the pain and carry on. Not everything needs an explanation. Sometimes things just happen, life is complicated. The minute it starts to make sense, something happens to prove you wrong. You have to make the best of a terrible situation. You have experiences that will feel almost impossible to get over but you know you have to.

Make them proud by doing everything you can to make your life better, do what inspires you! Follow your heart! Spend time with your loved ones. Make mistakes and learn from them. Make your own dreams and wishes come true.

Life is so so short, you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.

I love you, so much.  Everyday, you make me smile and you motivate me to do my best for Amelia. I don’t need to see you I feel you in my heart and I know I’m not alone.

With love always…

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