So the other month I wrote a post about Mental Health, I’d like to elaborate more on the subject talking about Anxiety specifically.
There are a lot of advice pages about anxiety, on the internet. Some of them are fantastic, but I feel like there are not very many first-hand experiences written about it online. I’ve chosen to write about my own personal experience to attempt to help some people have the ability to talk about it more openly. And I also hope I can shed some light on the subject for people who are not experiencing it.
This post is very very hard for me to write and I’ve probably shed more tears than I would have liked to whilst I wrote this.
I realize now looking back that I have suffered from this condition a lot longer than I thought I have had. I do not remember my first ever experience but I do remember the moment I realized it had affected my day to day life.
I feel like a complete failure to my family and friends.
I can not explain how this feeling feels. I feel as if I am constantly letting down the people that I love. I don’t always get to visit them or go out with them and I’m constantly turning down opportunities.
I have FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out. It is a real thing. I hate having to miss out on things because of this.
For a long time, I’ve just been surviving and not living.
By this I mean, I spend so much of my time just trying to survive my anxiety and not go out and face it. I don’t live a normal life like anyone else. I spend most of my time at home, and it’s a good day for me if I manage to leave my house at all. Even if it is just to the shop, park or local coffee shop.
I feel like people don’t understand what I am dealing with.
It’s so hard to try and explain how I feel. Every time I think my life has gotten significantly better someone has to remind me that I’m still not doing too well. ‘Well, you still haven’t done this’ and ‘You still haven’t come here.’ These are the word’s that haunt me and make me feel like I am failing them.
Nobody punishes me more than myself.
I am the one who has to live like this and whilst it might affect the other people around me, I am the sufferer. It is MY life. It may not be brilliant but I am glad I am alive. I love living.
Losing my dog really didn’t help.
Last month I lost my 10-year old Siberian Husky, she was one of the best things in my life. My family of four just became three. Some people don’t understand that she wasn’t just my dog, she was my best friend. The other day, I had my very first panic attack since losing her. The only thing I wanted, in that exact moment, was the cuddle of my best friend. That was the hardest.
I still have hope.
I know that one day, I will be able to return to the life I had before this horrible condition consumed me and my life. It is going to be a long and hard journey. It will not be an easy fix, but when I do recover I owe the people who have stood by me. The ones that have supported me and not pushed me or made me feel bad for being this way. I love those people more than anything.
I hope this post helped some of you understand that it is okay to be suffering from anxiety and very important to remember that you are living, although your life may not be as fulfilling as other people’s it is about appreciating the small things no matter how insignificant they may be.
Until next time, have a fantastic day.
You can also read my Guest Blog post over at Gratisoul about my Inspiring woman here