It’s been a while since I wrote ‘Confronting my feelings about Anxiety‘ and I wanted to write a little bit of an update about my progress since then as that post was written back in March and a lot of things have changed since then. As World Mental Health Day (October 10th) is upon us I felt it would be fitting that I share some more of my own story to help raise awareness and update you all on what has been happening since this post.
In my post ‘Confronting my feelings about Anxiety,’ I spoke about how I felt after being diagnosed with severe anxiety and how it was affecting me at that point in my life. When reading this blog post back to myself I can see how far ‘down the rabbit hole’ I actually was. At the time, it seemed bad but looking back, I can see that I was defiantly at one of my lowest points back in March. I wasn’t getting out at all and I was struggling massively to stop worrying about what other’s felt about my anxiety.
I was very paranoid, depressed and irritable. I never admitted to myself at the time how bad my anxiety was and I think a huge part of me was still very much in denial over my diagnosis and recovery. I feel like I remained very much in this state of mind up until around July when I realised I needed to make a change in my life because I couldn’t carry on the way things where and I realised I was going to have to try harder than I had ever done before and truly believe that my recovery is possible.
Fast forward, 6 months.
September brought me a lot of new challenges and also a lot of newfound freedom into my life. Amelia started Primary School last month meaning I have had to adapt to the school mum life and if I’m being honest it’s changed my life for the better so much already. I am waking up earlier, I am getting out of my house 5 days a week guaranteed, I even try to get out on the weekends now too. Sometimes it’s just to school and back home, and other times I will venture a little further but this has had a massive impact on me.
I am beginning to socialize with other school mums and even hang out with some of them in my free time. I am beginning to feel the most like ‘myself’ that I have done in two years. I am so pleased with the change in my life and for the first time in a while, I feel really positive for the future. I feel like I am in control and I finally feel as though I am slowly starting to take back my life that was consumed by this horrible deliberating disorder.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, she became a buttefly.” – Barbara Haines Howett.
And since, I am sharing the ups. I have to share the downs. It’s not all been great, since September you may have noticed a decrease in my blogging activity and this is because I am absolutely shattered all of the time. As many of you know changes in your lifestyle can severely affect your physical health. My body is just not used to being this active anymore and I am getting horrible migraines as I’m just no longer used to the loud social settings that come with being outside of my home. It’s taking a big toll on my physical health as I try to adapt back into the real world outside my four walls. I am trying to adopt a healthier sleeping pattern for the first time in my life which hasn’t been easy and not always the most successful. It is simply a work in progress and I am proud of the progress I have been making.
I still struggle massively to plan for the future. I live one day at a time now as I still struggle to commit to plans as I don’t know what the future holds and sometimes that prospect still scares me. I know that I will not always feel this way and it is all part of recovery and in time. In MY own time, I will be ready.
I am hoping over time my body will begin the adjust to the changes in my lifestyle and that I can feel less tired and spend less of my time with a migraine. That way I can carry on doing what I love and sharing it all with you. I hope by sharing my experiences that I can show other people who are suffering that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though the journey to it can be bumpy. I want to share my story and encourage others to do the same.
“You are not going to master the rest of your life in one day. Just relax. Master the day. Then just keep doing that every day.”