What it’s like living with Auditory Processing Disorder (APD).

I was talking to a friend recently when I ended up opening up about this disorder, and I think it was one of the first times in my life where I had actually explained what APD actually is to another person and admitted to having it. It was then that I realised it was probably time I opened up about it and it may even shock some of my close family and friends as it isn’t something I talk openly about usually.

Auditory Processing Disorder or APD is a disorder in which the person struggles to process information that is heard. It is not a hearing problem, it is, in fact, a problem within the brain. It is when the brain is unable to process the information being given verbally and cannot distinguish similar sounds. This makes any audible information difficult to process. Auditory Processing Disorder affects around 5% of school-aged children and is classed as a learning difficulty.

I don’t really recall being badly affected as a child or at least it never really seemed to iritate me back then as much as it does now. It wasn’t until much later in my teens that I was actually diagnosed with APD and I chose to keep it to myself out of embarrassment and being misunderstood. I was always a rather closed person until I started this blog and I feel like I’ve revealed more about myself in almost 2 years of blogging than in 22 years of living.

That doesn’t mean that my APD has gone unnoticed. There are many things that my family and friends pick up on and ask questions about such as:

‘Why do you always wear headphones whilst on the phone?’

‘Why don’t you just phone them up yourself?’

‘Why do you always have the subtitles on your TV?’

‘Were you even listening?’

‘Why do you hate going to the cinema?’

And there have been many times in which I have just lied and said ‘I have a hearing problem’ because that’s easier to explain. But the truth is, I don’t have a hearing problem. I can hear perfectly fine, and it’s time I opened up about it.

I’ll say “I can’t hear” instead of “I can’t understand”.




This makes having a conversation very difficult at times, and it does create a barrier when I am meeting new people who do not understand or are unaware of my problem. The people close to me don’t seem to mind so much when I ask them to repeat themselves multiple times in one conversation.

Being on the phone has added complications such as not being able to use their mouth to attempt to lip-read if I can’t understand what they are saying. I find wearing headphones can help block out the sounds around me so I can try to really concentrate on the single voice and not any background noises. It can also be made difficult if the other person has a lot of background noise and I find that certain accents can be harder to understand and make out.

I watch TV, YouTube and any other entertainment with the subtitles and if subtitles aren’t available it’s unlikely that I will watch it. I barely go to the cinema despite the fact that they have special subtitle screenings, my earliest memory of actually struggling to a point of frustration with this disorder was when I was 13 trying to watch Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 in cinema. I had to walk out mid-screening because of how hard it was to understand.

I think suffering from APD has definitely contributed to my love for reading. It’s really nice to be able to read and understand the words and not have the complications that I have with watching TV or having a conversation. I recently started listening to Audiobooks which is something I have avoided for a very long time due to this disorder. I have to take a gamble on which books I choose as some of the audiobook narrators are harder to understand than others but I have found a favourite, who happens to be Zachary Webber. He seems to talk slower than most narrators, I found his words were pronounced fine and his voice was generally pleasing to listen to. There is an option to control the speed of the voice but I find that it generally affects the quality of the verbal input. I will be sharing my thoughts on listening to audiobooks in another post so if you are interested in reading more about that please keep your eyes peeled.

International Coffee Day.jpg

There have been times where it’s provided entertainment in my life such as when I have misinterpreted something I’ve heard whilst I was with a friend of a family member and we have had a laugh about it. I will find out years later that I’ve been saying things wrong or singing a song wrong. But when it is someone I am not as close to or a complete stranger, it is rather embarrassing.

I can say openly that it does affect my social life, despite already suffering from severe anxiety when I am able to tackle that I am faced with not being able to tolerate a loud social setting and finding basic conversation difficult. With my 4-year-old starting school this year, I am finding myself put in more regular social settings which have caused my embarrassment for this disorder to spike as I don’t want it to come between starting a new friendship and stop me from wanting to socialize.

I decided to write this post because I need to be honest with myself, and with those around me. I have opened up about topics that are sensitive to me in the past and it has always made me feel rather liberated and I’m hoping this will be one of those posts. I also hope that this post helps educate some of you about this disorder.

Do you have your own expeirence with APD? Share them with me in the comments as I’d love to speak to someone else who also struggle with this learning difficulty.


Grey by E.L James – Book Review (Audiobook)

I have been wanting to re-read the Fifty Shades of Grey series for the longest time now even more so after reading The Mister so I could add it to my reviews but I’ve barely found the time due to reading new books I haven’t read and trying to run a blog which openly accepts books for review. I feel as though I have cheated by listening to this as an audiobook on Audible as I would defiantly not have been able to read this if I hadn’t of listened to it as an audiobook because I quite frankly don’t have the time at the moment.

Nevertheless, I have finished and I am pleased to give you all my review of Grey by E.L James.

grey 1

Christian Grey, CEO of Grey Enterprise thinks he has it all, until Anastasia Steele, stumbles into his office and into his life. Christian’s past stops him from having a normal romance like the one’s Ana would read in her classic novels. His need for control and discipline are challenged by Ana, will she be his undoing or will his dark sexual desires make her run for the hills?

This re-telling of Fifty Shades helps answer a lot of questions about Christian that were not answered in the Fifty shades series. When reading Grey, you get a better insight on the extent of Christian’s problems, and they are easier to understand when told from his P.O.V. Within the first few chapters we find out about Grey’s history which isn’t revealed until much later in the FSOG.

I honestly love the concept of re-reading the fifty shades from the other perspective and after reading I find it hard to decide who’s perspective I prefer. Christian or Ana? How could I ever choose? I honestly feel like Grey and Darker are easier to read but I feel like it’s easier to relate to a woman’s perspective of things. I also really admire women who write from a male perspective, so well done to E.L James for nailing it.

grey 3.jpg

Although the plot and characters stay the same, I feel like this re-telling really adds to the blanks and also helps make Christian’s character seem less overbearing and controlling than he does in the original writing. I feel like Fifty Shades wouldn’t have got such a bad reputation if the Grey and Darker has been released first instead of the original Fifty Shades. Grey is beautifully written, fast-paced and an easy read, I look forward to re-reading Darker and then moving back onto the original trilogy.

Purchase your copy of Grey here. (Affiliate Link)

If you are an author wanting a review for your book or to take part in an author interview email me at whatsinmywonderland@gmail.com and we can work something out. 

Author Interview with Jessaca Willis

Jessaca, the author of The Awakened Quartet, studied social work for both her undergrad and graduate degrees and incorporates themes from her education (i.e. systems of oppression, family dynamics, mental health) into her writing. She is a self-proclaimed nerd who loves cosplay, video games, and comics. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her partner and their human- and fur-babies. She is an amateur trapeze artist (though currently, she’s on hiatus after having a baby).

I’m so glad to be able to share an interview with Jessaca with you all as I’m still on a massive high after reading her new series The Awakened Quartet! You can read my review of The Awakening (prequel) here and my review of Blood Awakens (Book 1) here.

blood awakens 6

I’m so grateful to be given the chance to interview you for my blog, should we start with a brief introduction about yourself? Sure thing! My name is Jessaca—with an “a” not an “i”—and I write different subgenres of fantasy, mostly with darker and horror elements.

When you aren’t writing, what other hobbies do you like to do? Before I had a baby last October, I had tons of hobbies. I practised trapeze and aerial silks for seven years, I travelled all over the world, I went camping every summer, cosplayed at conventions, and played a lot of board games and video games. Now though, I am just really enjoying getting to know the person my kid is growing it.

When did you start writing? When did you realise you wanted to become an author? These two questions are different for me. I have always known I wanted to be an author, like ever since I was six or seven. I tell this story a lot, so I won’t go into the details here, but my first-grade class had a “writer’s workshop” and I think it was in that class that I learned to love storytelling and writing. But I didn’t “start” writing until much later. At least, not what I count as my “start.” I started writing my first book when I was twenty-one, during my last year of graduate school. At the time, I think I just needed something fun in my life to outweigh the endless hours of studying that were killing my soul. But the second I started, I felt different. It was like an awakening happened inside me or something like I remembered that that’s what I had wanted to do all of these years.

Sorry to go all into that! I might’ve been reliving the moment a little.

Where did the inspiration for the Awakened Quartet come from? It was definitely a random thing. I had just finished watching HBO’s True Blood series and starting wondering why every show and book and movie these days was about vampires. I was sure that there were a million other inventive “creatures” that could be the stars of these stories. So I started writing a list of different powers and abilities—realizing a few minutes in that I wasn’t coming up with much of anything that was new but rather tweaking some of the classics. Three hours later, I had a list of 30+ abilities, and a few characters to go with them. I don’t know what possessed me to take it that next step and to start thinking about these characters and what their goals were. I think it just sort of happened from there.

Out of all of your characters, Graciela is my favourite. Who is your favourite? Do you feel as though you relate to your characters? Aww, that’s so great to hear! I love Graciela. She’s someone I relate to a lot because she is a big sister and is always looking out for her brother, but also because she is just at the beginning of her personal journey. I feel like Graciela doesn’t yet quite know who she is, and now that she’s out in the big world, she’s about to find out.

How did you work through the process of naming your characters? Where to begin? Each character has had a different process, it seems like. For Graciela and Santiago, I did a lot of research on common Guatemalan names. I didn’t want to use the first names that popped up in searches, but I also wanted to make sure that they were names that Guatemalan families would use. Something else I wanted to do with this book was making sure that the characters had relatable names. Although The Awakened Quartet is set in the future, I didn’t want to give people outlandish futuristic nicknames like names with apostrophes and stuff. That didn’t feel right for this book. With almost every character though, they began this story with an entirely different name than the wound up with. I like to try names out, so I’ll write a little bit using, say, the name Isaiah instead of Sean, but if it doesn’t feel like a good fit, I change it.

Have your life experiences influenced your writing in any way?

Yes. Oh definitely yes. Especially with this series. Just before writing Blood Awakens, I had returned from a month-long trip to Guatemala where I lived with a family in a rural town. I was missing them a lot when I started writing this series and tried to channel some of the sibling and familial love into the characters of Santiago and Graciela. I was also wrapping up the last year of my graduate degree studying social work. I was in a class that was talking about the lack of people of colour in mainstream television/movies/books/etc. Around that same time, I read a quote by another author, and although I can’t remember their exact words anymore, the heart of their message was this: writers are supposed to tell the stories of people, not just of people like them, but of all people. That resonated a lot with me because I want all people from all walks of life to be able to see themselves in my books. Granted, at the time I started writing Blood Awakens, I was really focused on racial and cultural backgrounds, but I intend on making sure all of my books represent a broad array of people, and to do so respectfully.

Wow, but you asked about my life experiences and how that’s impacted my writing! I think I write a lot about siblings because I cherish my relationship with my brother so much. I also write a little darker because of my own personal obstacles with depression and other things, and I use writing as a way to a.) have an outlet for those things, and b.) hopefully give others an outlet too.

If you were to be awakened, what awakened ability would you like? This question is almost unfair for me to answer because there are so many abilities, a few of which weren’t even mentioned in the first book! I would really want to be eidetic.  An Eidetic is a person who can basically learn anything they want to because they are able to use a much larger percentage of their brains. I would use my power to become at least tri-lingual because the language has long been something I’ve tried learning but I can never quite get past a beginner level of communication.

How many abilities are there in total? 34

Blood Awakens is written in 3rd person but The Awakening prequel is written in first. What tense should be expected for Puppet’s Dream? Yes, I recognize that was a little confusing for people. The books in the main series are all written in 3rd person. The Awakening was only written in 1st person because it originally started as writing practice for me, to get deeper into Mara’s head. At some point during the revision stage, I realized I didn’t know enough about her, so I started wondering what her story was like and how she’d wound up at Hope. So I wrote a short story that was originally intended just for me, but then I kept receiving feedback from beta readers that they wanted to see more of the action at the start of the Awakening—the moment in time when society was discovering the abilities but not knowing how to respond. Because the main series was never meant to be about that time, I decided to publish The Awakening as a prequel/teaser.

I wrote in my review of Blood Awakens that I would love to see more of Mara and more of Sean in Puppet’s Dream. What can we expect from the next novel in this series? Without giving too much away, you will definitely get to see more of Mara in Puppets Dream. In addition, Santiago winds up taking a larger role in the second book, so hopefully, readers will get to see more of his growth as a person.

What are you working on now? I have seen the new cover for the book ‘The Demon in The Mirror’. Could you tell us more about that? I am mostly editing Puppets Dream, but I do get antsy while I’m editing, so I will occasionally work on a short story to break up some of my time. The Demon In The Mirror is a YA paranormal thriller about a demon student named Euri who gets caught up in some murders around her school. I really enjoyed the world-building aspects of this one and am honestly kind of sad it’s only a short story. If readers wound up liking it enough, I would probably write a series based on it—so let me know, folks!

What advice would you give to other aspiring authors? My number one advice to people who tell me they’re thinking about becoming authors is to join writing/author groups. For me, this meant joining a local MeetUp group, but it could also mean joining a Facebook/Twitter group, following some blogs about writing and being active in the posts, etc. I just think that writers benefit when they are around “their people” and that we can learn so much from one another.

Do you have any publishing advice? Hmm… This is a tough one. I wound up self-publishing Blood Awakens because I realized it’s not the “hot” genre right now and I didn’t want to spend months or years searching for an agent. So I joined a bunch of indie authors groups, eavesdropped on tons of conversations, read a bunch of books and articles, and self-published. So I guess my advice on publishing would be to research your options and then do what feels comfortable to you.

What is your all-time favourite book and why? A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas because Rhysand is the dreamiest character ever, and I just LOVE his character development and backstory!!!

If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you take with you? I might be too practical for this question because my first thought was an unlimited supply of food! Okay, for real though, assuming people don’t count as things (because I would hands down bring my family), I would bring an aerials silks rigging so I could swing in the trees, thousands of Magic cards so I could still play some type of board/card game, and a solar-charging laptop that would only be used for writing more books.

the awakening 1

Thank you so much Jessaca for sharing your wonderful answers with us. It’s been an absolute pleasure to work with you and I can’t wait to read more of your work. You can check out the links below to purchase your copies or read my reviews.

Purchase your copy of Blood Awakens here. (Affiliate Link)

You can read my Review of Blood Awakens here.

Purchase your copy of The Awakening here. (Affiliate Link)

You can read my review of The Awakening here.

If you are an author wanting a review for your book or to take part in an author interview email me at whatsinmywonderland@gmail.com and we can work something out. 

The Awakening by Jessaca Willis – Book Review

 Here is my no-spoiler review of The Awakening by Jessaca Willis. (5/5 stars)

the awakening 1.jpg

After reading Blood Awakens by Jessaca Willis, I discovered that there was a short prequel to the Awakened Quartet called ‘The Awakening’ is an origin story set before the events of Blood Awakens. In my review for Blood Awakens, which you can read here, I was left wanting more from Mara and I am pleased to announce that The Awakening provides that.  You can also read my author interview with Jessaca Willis here.

Mara is struggling to accept her new status as one the ‘awakened’, she conceals her new power and tries to fit in as society falls apart with people beginning wars between the awakened and the unawakened. When faced with a potential danger will she choose to expose herself and embrace her awakened powers or continue to hide?

the awakening 2.jpg

I absolutely loved this short story, and I kind of wished I had read it before Blood Awakens because I feel like it answered a lot of the questions I had about one of the main characters in Blood Awakens. The Awakening is written in the first person from Mara’s P.O.V and I got to sense a bit more of her charisma and how she thinks. I thought The Awakening was beautifully written and it definitely helped me want more from this series and from Jessaca herself.

The Awakening really helped build the setting for Blood Awakens as you get the feel for the intense and scary reality that these people live in, and how the characters feel about that change. It held my attention and I liked it that much I read it a second time, although it is a short story it defiantly had a lot more action than I anticipated.

This short story is a great addition to this new series ‘The Awakened Quartet’ and I can not wait to read the next book in the series, I hope Jessaca doesn’t leave us waiting too long. I really wish I had read this book before Blood Awakens because I feel like my review would be totally different as I know what comes after The Awakening, and I need to find out what happens after Blood Awakens now.

“Truth is, I’m not sure how or why it’s us who are different, but we are. And it’s up to us to decide if today is the day we die, or if it is the day we live.” – The Awakening by Jessaca Willis

Buy your copy of  The Awakening here. (Affiliate Link)

If you are an author wanting a review for your book or to take part in an author interview email me at whatsinmywonderland@gmail.com and we can work something out. 

Books that Matter, July 2019 – Subscription Box Review

This year I decided to buy myself a birthday present, so I purchased a book subscription box from ‘Book’s that Matter’. I’ve been wanting to order a subscription box for a while but hadn’t because I was unsure on which one to purchase. I was recommended to buy from Book’s that Matter who is a feminist subscription box which aims to empower and inspire women through literature. In your box, you receive one book which is considered to be a ‘book that matters’ and at least three gifts from independent female and non-binary artists. Each box has a specific theme and the book and gifts from the box will be based on that theme.

Although I don’t title myself as a ‘feminist’, I love the idea of this box and proceeded to purchase my one-off box for £18 and I then lingered at the door stop for days waiting for my box with anxiety and anticipation all rolled into one.

front of box.jpg

When it arrived I was in awe of the beautiful box design and couldn’t wait to open it. I did feel slightly nervous in case I didn’t like the book, or it wasn’t something that interested me. I was pleasantly surprised at the contents of the box and you can watch me unbox it here! This month’s box theme was ‘Wild Woman’ and here is what I got!



word of women is wilderness.jpg

The book I received was ‘The Word for Woman is Wilderness’ by Abi Andrews. My first impressions were based on the cover and must I say it is beautiful, and the title is intriguing, although I’ve never heard of it, I am excited to read it and when I have I will link back a review.  The blurb was intriguing and made me want to read more and I really wish my reading list wasn’t so overbearing so I could get stuck in. Nevertheless, I will get round to it soon!

back of book.jpg

“Nineteen-year-old Erin has never been this far from home. From the midlands to Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, on across the entire breadth of the American continent… As Erin’s one-woman odyssey leads her towards a lonely cabin in the wilds of Alaska, she charts the changing landscapes of her own mind – and reimagines not just a woman’s place in society, but humanity’s place on planet Earth.

Filled with a sense of hope and wonder, The Word for Women is Wilderness is a funny, frank and tender account of a young woman in uncharted territory.”


message from the author.jpg



The box contains a menu which explains the company and what the box contains along with how to re-use your box and how to win a free box.

I also received a note from the author as well as a bookmark.


feminist revival


I got this ‘Feminist Fashion Revival’ Magazine by Revival Collective which is a Brighton based sustainable fashion initiative. Revival Collections Zine contains some wonderful articles, beautiful photo shoots, and even a lovely vegan gingerbread babe recipe!

I was quite surprised by this magazine and I did thoroughly enjoy the read. I also browsed through the Revival Collective’s website and they have some great products on them.


wildflower scenes.jpg


I got some Wildflower Seeds for Bees from Wildflower Limited. I was surprised but pleased to receive seeds in the box and I do look forward to planting them in my garden with is currently under maintenance.


straw sugar and sloth


I also got this adorable metal rainbow straw which is from Sugar and Sloth. It is so beautiful and honesty the pictures do not do it justice. I was very pleased to receive a metal straw in the box because I have been wanting one for the longest time and I’m now a proud owner. The only thing I can say is I wish it had come with a bag to be placed in and possibly a cleaning brush. I did manage to order myself a cleaning brush of Sugar and Sloth, it arrived in no time and works great. I can’t wait to spend my summer drinking ice cold water through my metal straw.


shampoo bar 1

I love this vegan, natural and cruelty-free shampoo bar by Hairy Jayne Handmade Hair Care. This little shampoo bar smells amazing, it’s a beautifully fresh and earthy smell. I am always skeptical when using hair because I have dyed hair and alot of products wash out my colour but I used it on my hair and I loved it, it didn’t wash away my colour and it left my hair feeling smooth, clean and smelling natural. I feel like this is the perfect shampoo for all hair types including dyed hair like mine and I will definitely be using Hairy Jayne in the future.

Overall, I am pleased with what I received from ‘Book’s that Matter’ and I would recommend to other’s wanting a subscription box. I paid £18 for one of the boxes, I feel like I got a good value for money and all of what I received is in good quality and arrived safely in beautiful packaging.  Book’s that Matter also run a blog and a podcast which I am going to be looking into. I loved the experience of not knowing what I was going to get and being able to share it with you all. I hope you have enjoyed this post and that I can review another subscription box soon!

If there is a subscription box, you recommend or want me to try, let me know in the comments.


Cherry Nova by Kelly-Marie Pollack – Book Review

Here is my no-spoiler review of Cherry Nova by Kelly-Marie Pollock (4/5 stars).

“Set in Victorian London, Cherry Nova follows the story of a young Woman, who awakens in a grim hotel room with no recollection of who she is and how she got there. With her life seemingly erased, she sets out on a journey of self discovery, fuelled by an overbearing blood lust that leads her down an unknown path. She soon realises though, that not all lovers love you, not all enemies are evil and that you can’t always trust the person staring back at you in the mirror. Magic, Mythology, Secrets and Lies all intertwine themselves around her newly carved out existence, but you can’t run from the past no matter how hard you try. Your sin will always boomerang back to you. Monsters are real, afterall, she should know – She’s one of them.”

cherry nova

Cherry Nova is the debut novel by Kelly-Marie Pollack, it’s the first installment of ‘The Chronicles of Nova Morgan’ series.  Kelly-Marie lives in Dorset with her Husband Mitchell, 4 young children, and a menagerie of pets. She’d dreamt of being an Author from a very young age and her late Auntie Julie pushed her to follow her dreams. Kelly-Marie is  a stay at home Mother, full-time carer and active Parenting and Mental Health Blogger, you can find her blog over at www.amixedupmummy.blogspot.co.uk

Chery Nova follows the story of a young woman who wakes without any recollection of her memories and an uncontrollable hunger that she doesn’t understand. Living in Victorian London, Nova sets on a path to search for answers about who she is, what she is and how she ended up where she is. It isn’t long before Nova’s memory is triggered and she realizes she is part of something that is bigger than her. She now finds herself on the run and trusting people who she barely knows to get her by. She realized there is a real danger and she must find a way to control her own impulses so she can defeat those who stand in front of her.

This was another one of those books that turned out to be better than I anticipated it to be. I’m unsure whether I’m fed up of vampire fiction or not, I feel like they have been overdone now and barely any of them distract from the cliche. I was in my early teens when the Vampire buzz started and I was obsessed. Pollack has managed to stray away from the cliche and create a vampire fiction novel that I not only enjoyed but craved more of. Nova is a very interesting character and from the beginning, I could tell I definitely liked her. She’s a strong-willed character and a definitely a leader, after her memory returns, so does her determination. I actually began to love Ruth towards the end, I loved her relationship with Nova and I can’t wait to see how it develops in the next novel. Although they are different, I feel like there is a mutual understanding between the two of them and they both want the same outcome regardless of what’s happened previously between them.

Without spoiling, I’d love to for there to be prequel to Cherry Nova as well as a sequel, as the story of what happens before Nova loses her memory, although it is revealed; I’d love to have read it myself as it intrigued me and seems like the type of book I’d love to read. I hope that Kelly considers this when working on this series. I would recommend Cherry Nova to a fantasy lover looking for a new author and a new story. You won’t be disappointed with this vampire fiction novel. I just hope Kelly doesn’t leave us waiting for too long.

cherry nova bookshelf.jpg

You can purchase your copy of Cherry Nova by Kelly Marie Pollack here. (Affiliate Link)

If you are an author wanting me to review your book or wanting an author interview, email me at whatsinmywonderland@gmail.com or use the contact page of my blog and we can work something out.



What it’s like living with Dermatophagia?

Dermatophagia is a skin biting disorder which isn’t considered to be rare, it’s just not commonly talked about. Well, I’m going to change that by sharing my experience of living with Dermatophagia. Dermataphagia is actually a mental disorder which is related to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and is a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB). For me, Dermatophagia means biting and chewing at the skin around my nails, fingers and even part of my palm. Some Dermatophagia sufferer’s chew their arms and/or the inside of their gums.

I can’t remember the exact age I started biting my own skin but I remember how highly embarrassed I have felt about it my whole life.  That is one of the main reason’s behind wanting to write this post, if I am open about my disorder then I am able to take away some of the power it holds over me. I’m not alone in suffering from Dermatophagia, and I’m hoping that I can encourage a few others to open up and admit it. Sometimes it’s hard to be open about something that many people will find strange and possibly joke about.

Biting the skin can cause lasting damage and unfortunately for me, I have permanent damage to my skin around my fingers and on my palm. I hate being put in situations where people may look at my fingers which I think its part of the reason I wear cardigans so I can pull them down and draw less attention to it. Imagine being asked what is wrong with your hands and the repulsive look you’d get if you admitted you bit your own skin. I hate when my hands have been in the water too long as you can see all of the bite marks around my hands so I never stay in water for too long because the sight is one that sickens even me.

I remember biting back in Primary School which is one of the reasons why I cannot pinpoint the start because I was only young. I only within the last 2 years realized that it was a disorder that other people suffer with and that it has a name. I do notice that my Dermatophagia gets worse when I am anxious or when I am stressed, and I feel like it is a coping mechanism for my anxiety. I have always been an anxious person which is why I wasn’t surprised to be diagnosed with Anxiety. When I am nervous, I bite and I chew, as much as I try not to, I can’t stop.

I actually don’t realize I’m doing it anymore, and when it’s brought to my attention, it’s almost impossible to stop. My boyfriend notices me knawing at my palm often and draws it to my attention which then just makes me do it secretly because it’s like my ‘dirty little secret’ so to say. Well not so much now, as I’ve just told all of the internet.

I’ve tried resisting the impulse, many times and nothing seems to work. Even when it starts to hurt, I acknowledge the pain and just move somewhere else or persist regardless. I have tried tactics such as bandaging my fingers and, putting bad-tasting things on my biting places, I’ve also tried getting my nails manicured and hoping that it would stop me from biting. Unfortunately, none of it worked. I am a nail biter aswell but that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as I have been able to resist doing that in the past but having perfectly manicured fingers means nothing when my fingers and red and bloodied from biting.

I actually feel like a bit of weight has been lifted about opening up about my disorder and I hope I have educated a few people who didn’t know this disorder existed. Or maybe this post reaches another skin biter and made them realize you are not alone!

And for the thousandth time, I tell myself, I’m going to quit doing this.

hand 3.jpg